The Melancholy of Lelouch and Johan
by Red S. Turtle
Summary: Co-authored by Jack Swearengen Ruby. AU. A bunch of random, out of order stories about Lelouch and his zombie-and-video-game-obsessed tutor, taking place between the end of the war between Japan and Britannia and the beginning of the series.
1. Graduation

_1: Aside from the title, this fic has nothing to do with _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. _Other than the fact that the chapters will be posted out of order. And it's likely to swing from slice of life to fantasy to sci fi and back again as Mr. Ruby and I see fit. But other than that, nothing to do with _Haruhi_. At all. Nope._

_2: Chapters from Johan's POV are written by me; chapters from Lelouch's POV are written by Mr. Ruby._

_3: This fic follows a bit of a different time line from the canon (hence the AU warning in the summary). More will be revealed as events dictate. Suffice it to say that "Mr. Ghost" is largely to blame.  
_

GRADUATION

It was summer and it was hot. I had been reading the newspaper and Lelouch was writing an essay about political systems in Africa when I announced that it was time for a break.

"I'm supposed to be taking a test, aren't I?" Lelouch asked, not looking up from his paper.

"You can take a break. It's too hot to concentrate, don't you think?"

Lelouch seemed to consider this for a moment, then nodded and put his pen down. "Just a quick one, though," he said. "I'm almost done."

"All right."

* * *

It was a little cooler outside, so we grabbed some refreshments and headed out to the balcony. "Why don't you turn on the air conditioner?" Lelouch muttered bitterly.

"The what now?"I asked, blinking at him stupidly.

"The _air conditioner._ You know, that thing that makes it cool inside when it's hot outside?"

I scratched my head and pursed my lips, thinking this over. "They have those?"

Lelouch stared at me blankly for a moment, then smacked me on the arm. "Oh, shut up," he said. "You're really not funny, you know that?"

"My mommy says I'm funny."

"I thought your mom was dead."

"Don't spoil the joke, child."

"That was a joke?"

"Oh, shut up."

Lelouch laughed a little, then we sat in silence for awhile. I watched as Lelouch reached up to lick up some ice cream that dripped down his arm. "What is it?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said, looking away. "How many baby teeth do you have left?"

"Three. Why?"

"Just checking if you're still keeping track."

Lelouch gave me a dirty look, then looked away. "I didn't know you drank anything other than coffee," he said, referring to my beer.

"It's too hot for coffee."

"Can't you put it on ice?"

"I could, but I'm not a woman."

"My brother used to drink iced coffee."

"Which one?"

"Schneizel."

"Oh. Your dad thinks Schneizel is gay."

Lelouch arched an eyebrow. "What tipped him off?" he asked, and I laughed. After a moment, Lelouch spoke again. "I'm going to go check out Ashford Academy on Monday," he said, "so I won't be able to make it to tutoring."

"Casing your sister's new school, huh?" I asked, smirking a bit.

"Well, it'll be my school, too, y'know."

I frown. "You're going to the university?"

"Uh, _no_. I'm starting middle school."

"But you already graduated."

Lelouch gaped at me. "What?" he asked.

"You already graduated," I repeat. "Last week. Weren't you wondering why I made you take that boring test?"

"Wait, so I'm already done with middle school?" Lelouch asked, shocked by this news.

"You've already finished _high school_," I said. "Middle schoolers don't generally take calculus, you know."

Lelouch stared at me, mouth agape. "When did that happen?" he finally asked.

"Last week, I said. That test you took was the required exit exam for home schoolers. I've just been waiting for your diploma to get here before I told you."

"Did you tell Mr. Ashford? Because he said I'd be starting in the middle school division!"

"I _knew_ I was forgetting something!"

Lelouch hit me again. "You idiot! You'd better call him!"

"I will while you finish up your test."

"Good," Lelouch said. "Hey, wait. If I graduated last week, why am I still taking lessons with you?"

I grin and give him a thumbs up. "These be _college_ courses, kid. Figured I'd give you a head start to make your classmates hate you even more."

"Oh. Thanks?"

"Finish your ice cream."

* * *

"Yeah, so that's how it is."

_"Hmmm..." _Ashford said. _"This is a little problematic for me, y'know. He's already registered."_

"You _own_ the school. It can't be _that_ hard for you to transfer him."

_"It wouldn't be, but he's _twelve_. He would be painfully out of place in university."_

"He'll adapt. He's a tough kid."

Ashford chuckles. _"I'll take your word for it," _he said. _"In any case, Doctor, when are you planning on returning to the homeland?"_

"As soon as the new viceroy is selected."

_"I didn't mean permanently. Are you going for a visit any time soon?"_

"Not any time soon, no. Why?"

_"No particular reason. I was just hoping you could-"_

"I'm not your errand boy, Mr. Ashford."

_"No, I know that. I just-"_

"If you know it, this conversation is over. Now about, Lelouch..."

Ashford sighed. _"Very well," _he said. _"I'll see what I can do._

"That's all I ask."

I hung up and returned to the kitchen. Lelouch was going over his essay to fix any grammatical mistakes. "What'd he say?" he asked without looking up from his paper.

"He'll see what he can do. He was complaining that you've already been registered." I sighed and took a seat in the chair across from him. "If he decides to be stubborn about this, you can always just refuse to attend classes. I mean, what's the worst he can do? Expelling someone isn't all that helpful after they've graduated."

Lelouch chuckles. "I'm not sure I want to attend Ashford University, anyway," he said. "I might just not go to school for a while."

I shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat," I said. "You're not getting out of tutoring in the meantime, though, so don't get to excited. Gimme that paper."

"Ch," he said, amiably enough, then pushed his essay towards me. "Can I play video games while you're grading it?" he asked.

"Nope!" I said, pulling a worksheet out of the file folder next to me and slapping it down in front of him. "You _can, _however, do this."

"Awww... You're no fun."

"I'm here to educate you, not entertain you. Of course I'm not fun."

"Jerk."

"Indeed. Make sure you show your work."


	2. Cleaning

_Hi._

CLEANING

"Hey, there, Dark Heart!" my friend Gary called, walking into the apartment without knocking.

I stared at him blankly for a moment, then held up and finger and headed over to my laptop. My TinerMe page is up, which confuses me for a moment because I was pretty sure I'd been on YouTube when I got off the computer, but I simply wrote it off as bad memory and opened a new tab. After searching Google for a few minutes, I frowned and looked at him over the top of my computer. "A _Care Bears _reference? Seriously?"

"What's wrong with it?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Dude, I think I'm gonna have to revoke your Man Card."

"Oh, shut up." Gary frowned and leaned his head to the side, apparently just noticing Lelouch sitting on the couch. "I thought you had a son," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm_ babysitting_," I explained.

"Oh," Gary said. "Does she have to help, too?"

"I think he's a boy."

This seemed to take Gary by surprise. "Really?" he asked, then turned to Lelouch. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Lelouch gave him a dirty look, then slipped off and couch and headed into the kitchen. "Hey, lunch isn't until noon!" I called after him. "If you're hungry, veggies are on the coffee table!"

There was no reply, but I hadn't been expecting him. I'd been looking after Lelouch for a couple of weeks by then, and he had yet to say a single word to or around me. I thought he was deaf when I first met him, but Sayoko assured me that he just didn't like strangers. "Tough customer, isn't he?" Gary remarked, frowning.

"I dunno. I think he's afraid of adults."

Gary arched an eyebrow. "Why?"

"How should I know? Grab some rags. You get to scrub the bathroom."

* * *

"So, why doesn't Grumpy have to help us clean again?" Gary complained from the bathroom.

"Because I didn't fly him halfway across the planet and give him a job doing nothing."

This shut him up for a little while and I finished scrubbing dirt of the bottom of my study door. I stood up and stretched, wondering absently what time it was, when I suddenly noticed Lelouch was standing nearby, his hands behind his back. "Oh, good God!" I breathed, startled. "How long have you been standing there?" He didn't answer, just shifted from one foot to the other, looking nervous. I frowned. "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

He shook his head, then pulled his hands out from behind his back. He was holding a game case. It didn't seem to be one of mine, so he must have brought it from home. "Oh, did you want to play that?" I asked. He nodded. "All right, here," I said, holding my bucket towards him. The water inside is dark with silt. "Do me a big favor and change this out while I set the game up for you."

I wasn't really sure how he'd respond, but I was still a little surprised when he took the bucket without hesitation and headed to the kitchen. Gary's voice snapped me out of my slight stupor. "It's not fair!" he complained loudly. "He gets to play video games, and I'm stuck scrubbing toilets! I thought I was your best friend, Johan!"

"Two things," I said, turning towards him. "One: There is only one toilet in this entire apartment. Two: If you don't want to help me clean, then you don't have to. Just keep in mind that I'm under no obligation to keep giving you money."

Gary spends a few moments thinking up an adequate comeback, eventually settling on "You suck."

"Not as much as your momma."

"How original."

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

"Why are we cleaning anyway?" Gary asked awhile later. He'd finished the bathroom and was helping me dust the shelves in the living room. Lelouch glanced over occasionally, but mostly ignored us in favor of his game. "Is your father-in-law coming to inspect the place or something?"

"Nope," I say, moving quickly to catch a chess piece I'd accidentally knocked over. "I just like to clean the place up every once in a while."

"Don't you have servants?" Gary grumbled.

"If I did, do you really think I'd be eating nothing but sandwiches and cereal?"

"Probably. You are weird after all."

Well, there was no arguing with that. "Mr. Reilly offered to send a couple of servants with me, but I turned him down," I explained. "I prefer to do things myself."

"Ah. I see."

I climbed down from the stepladder I'd been on and stretched. "Anyone else getting kinda hungry?" I asked, checking my watch.

"Yeah! Order a pizza!" Gary said.

"Screw you. I'm ordering Chinese. What do you want?"

"Those dumpling thingies."

"All right," I said, then turned my attention to Lelouch. "How 'bout you, Grumpy? What do you want?"

Lelouch glanced over at me, then looked away. I had asked mostly as a joke, and didn't really expect him to answer, so I was understandably shocked when he said, "Orange chicken."

"Holy shit!" Gary said, perfectly summarizing my own feelings. "He speaks!"

"So he does!" I said. "Why you been holdin' out on me, kid?"

Lelouch just glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, then returned his attention to the game. One of his narrow shoulders lifted in a nearly imperceptible shrug.

I rolled my eyes and pointed to him with my thumb. "You see, Gary?" I said. "_This_ is why I hate kids."

He laughed.


	3. Does Ojiisan Dream of Zombie Sheep?

_Hey Folks! Jack Swearengen Ruby here! In case you forgot, this was collaboration. Yeah, I think Red's a little ticked I haven't been contributing, seeing how she came to me holding the Death Note and asking how to spell my name (inside anime joke no-jutsu). So for self-preservation sake, here's this fic's first glimpse into the mind of everyone's favorite egomaniac: Lelouch "Lamperouge" vi Britannia._

Does Ojiisan Dream Of Zombie Sheep?

I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside of my apartment. I stepped out of my room, making sure Sayoko-san was still asleep on the couch, as I looked outside our apartment's front window. Dr. Kantor was stepping out of the apartment complex, walking quietly down the street.

Quickly putting on my wind breaker, I snuck outside, just managing to catch a glimpse of Johan turning the corner. I kept pace with him until finally I saw where he was heading.

The cemetery on the outskirts of the Shinjuku ghetto.

I followed until I could peek over the stone wall separating the dead from the rest of the ghetto. I could make out faint lantern-light, with two figures setting their shovels into the soft earth. Kantor approached them and addressed the two in Japanese. I briefly caught a few words. Mainly, "freshly dead" and "Britannian raid". Dr Kantor handed the two figures a bit of cash, then ordered them to "wait by the mausoleum".

The two figures disappeared into the distant fog as Kantor knelt down next to something that resembled…

_Is that… is that a corpse?_

For a brief moment, I had to suppress the memories of me and Suzaku wading through a field of corpses.

_Why... is Kantor-San…_

I quickly and quietly ducked through the entrance-way and behind a large head-stone. From his pocket, Kantor pulled out a vial of something. It appeared powdery as he poured it over the corpse's nostrils.

As this point, I was close to simply passing Kantor off as crazy and going home. Five seconds later, I had to keep myself from screaming.

The corpse, an old bald Japanese man with a bullet hole in his head, took in a breath of air, choking violent on the congealed blood in his throat. Kant0r held him down by the shoulder.

"_Teishi suru. Odayakana jibun no rōjin_," Kantor spoke in stilted Japanese, which ended up sounding something like _Stop and calm down my old man._

"_Watashi wa shinde ka_?" (_Am I dead?)_

"_Suruga shinde ita. Suru wa ima shinde wa inaidesu_." (_That __was __dead__. __You __are __now is __not __dead__)._

The old man whimpered in confusion. "_Tashika ni watashi wa shinde imasu. Kotoba wa imi o nasanai." _(_Certainly I am dead. Your words are those of a babbling idiot_).

Johan said nothing to this. He picked up a notepad.

_(I'm __going to __make __some__ questions__. __I want to be __honest with __you __as __I __can__. __You do understand?)_

The old man's rotted eyes were wide with confusion, as was his mouth. "_Watashi wa… watashi ga sōda to omoimasu."_

(_I… think so.)_

Kantor flipped the first few pages of ink covered notes over and clicked his pen. "_Mazu dai ichi ni, dono yō ni kanjite imasu no ka_?" (_First of all, how do you feel at the moment?)_

"_Watashi wa itami o kanjiru. Sore wa watashi ni wa odorokubeki kotoda_." (_I feel no pain. It is a surprise to me.)_

Johan scribbled on his pad. _(I see. Would numbness describe you?)_

The old corpse laughed. (_How could numbness describe me?)_

_(No I… nevermind.)_

I watched curiously as Kantor-san went over a cavalcade of questions including "Is your bowel happy?" and "How would your fingers describe you?" Suddenly, it hit me: I'm watching Kantor talk to a corpse about how it is being dead.

At this point, things getting lost in translation is the least of my worries.

And then came the more unsettling portion of the interview.

_(Tell me old man, what was what death like?)_

_(One cannot easily tell. It was… it was as if what I am not thinking overtly belonged to all people in one mind). _

It was the hardest thing of the whole interview to comprehend. Was he saying that all of mankind is connected through what could be called a "collective unconscious"? And if it is, could it be what we call God?

…That sounds like shit.

_(I am feeling tired, sir)_ the old man said. _(What is happening?)_

_(You're body is burning through my formula at an accelerated rate. The bullet wound isn't helping)._

_(…oh…. Doctor, can you answer me my question?)_

_(Sure.)_

_(…Will I dream?)_

Kantor looked puzzled. (_I honestly don't know). _

And then the corpse died.

* * *

I spent part of the next day looking at Kantor-san's chess set collection as he worked on his TinierMe profile. His fingers clicked away at the keyboard while I pretended not to be distracted. It was then I thought the best time to ask him.

"How did you bring the dead back to life?"

His frantic typing stopped, leaving a deafening silence for a moment. "What… are you talking about?"

"Last night I followed you to the graveyard and saw your resurrect an old dead man. How'd you do it?"

Another noticeable silence. "You must have had some dream, kid."

The clicking of his keyboard continued.

"Yeah… I guess you'd know if I dream."


	4. Movies

_This isn't the chapter I was planning on uploading this time. That one is more serious and exposition-heavy. However, the opening exchange has been nagging at me for weeks, hence this baby._

_Warning: This chapter is short and doesn't have much Lelouch. It's hard to write a full chapter around a single joke.  
_

MOVIES

"Yo, Johnny!" Gary called, entering the apartment without knocking. "I've brought a funny movie!"

"Is it intentionally funny?" I asked, not bothering to look up from my computer.

"You know, I'm not sure. I don't think so," Gary said. "It's about three people getting sewn ass to mouth."

I paused for a moment, then finally looked at him over the top of the computer. "So... It's scat porn?"

"Nah, it's supposed to be a horror movie," Gary sayid. "Some crazy German scientist captures these three kids and uses them to form his Human Centipede."

I thought this over for a moment. "Still sounds like scat porn."

"Well, it's not."

"Huh," I said, then turned my attention back to my computer. "Regardless, you realize we can't watch that right now, right?" I asked. "I'm babysitting."

"Aww... Oh. Hey, Grumpy."

"Hi."

Gary set the DVD on top of the entertainment center and picked up the second controller. "Mind if I join you?" he asked.

"No."

* * *

I finished my work about an hour later and joined Gary and Lelouch on the couch. "So. Who's winning?" I asked.

"It's a co-op game," Lelouch said.

"I am," Gary said. "I have more credits. See?"

"That's not the point," Lelouch argued. "It's not a competition. We're supposed to be working together."

"Huh," I said. "And how's that workin' out for you?"

"I keep having to stand around waiting for Mr. Masterson to finish goofing off before I can continue."

"Yeah, that's what happens when you play games with him."

"I'll remember that."

"Too bad this game only allows for three players," Gary commented cheerfully. "What say we play HALO?"

"I don't own any first-person games," I pointed out.

"Oh, yeah." Gary paused a moment, thinking. "Let's watch a movie."

"We're not watching your Human Centipede movie with the kid here."

"Ch. You're no fun."


	5. Home

_This chapter is one of the more serious ones. It's also pretty much an infodump (though it still doesn't provide all the info available for Johan's nameless home country). Enjoy._

HOME

It was summer, but it was cold. It always seemed to be cold in my country. I never really understood why; we're not _that_ far north. I suppose it has something to do with us being a mountainous country many miles above sea level, but I always slept through my geology classes, so I don't know for sure.

My father had called me a couple of days before to tell me he'd sprained his back, and could I fly out and give my brothers a hand until my uncle arrived to relieve me?

I had no reason to say no, so of course I didn't. My lessons with Lelouch had been going well, and I figured giving him a week or so off couldn't hurt. So, I assured Dad I'd be there the next day and called my father-in-law and Sayoko to let them know I'd be out of town for a while. However, as I prepared to leave, I got a call from Lelouch. "Can I come with you?" he'd asked. "I'm feeling kind of restless here."

"I'm going all the way to Europe," I'd informed him, frowning. "And I'm not going for a vacation. I'll be working the entire time."

"I don't mind. I can work, too! I just need to get out of here before I go crazy!"

In the face of such a compelling argument, I had no choice but to relent, but made sure he knew that this wasn't a vacation. "I expect a detailed report on everything you learned once we get back."

"That's fine! Thank you, Dr. Kantor!"

And so, there we were. Lelouch and I were packing up some eggs and cabbages to trade in town for dinner supplies while my brothers, Vova and Misha, worked on patching up a hole in the roof caused by the last big storm. Dad was resting on the pallet in the only other room in the house, complaining constantly that he wanted to get up and work.

"I need to help you boys harvest the cabbages!" he complained in the Language of the People. "It's not right that I have to be stuck lying down!"

I sighed. He'd been saying the same things all day, and I was starting to wonder if he actually felt that way, or if he was complaining just for the sake of complaining. "We can handle it, Dad," I called back, Lelouch listening to us with rapt attention, unable to understand most of what we were saying, but trying anyway. "If you don't take it easy, you'll end up getting stuck in bed even longer."

Dad grumbled miserably to himself for a moment, then fell silent. I peeked out of the kitchen door to check on him, but he was simply leafing through my mother's old photo album, his expression one of sneaky pleasure. _That's what I thought,_ I thought, smiling wryly and slipping back into the kitchen. The old man was just putting on a show.

"Lelouch," I said, returning to the eggs, "I may as well take this chance to give you a brief lesson on this country's history and politics. Are you listening?"

"Huh?" Lelouch asked, startled. He'd seemingly been listening to the fragments of Vova and Misha's conversation, which came drifting down from the roof in only occasionally audible fragments. They had been speaking Russian, which was only natural since the Russian faction was in charge at the moment. Speaking German outside- or even the Language of the People, which some faction members loathed even more than the language of the opposite faction- was dangerous, as my family knew better than some.

I felt a twinge of phantom pain in my leg at the thought and reached down absently to rub at it. Bringing Lelouch was risky, as I'd known. I'd been teaching him Russian, and while he could more-or-less follow most day-to-day conversation, he was still far from fluent. I'd hoped that the German faction had been in charge when we arrived, so he could speak the language he _did_ know, but I'd been disappointed, though not surprised. The Russian faction had been gaining a lot of steam lately, and seemed to be holding on to the country for longer periods of time than usual. Fortunately, no one in the country had any problem with foreigners - in fact, they were welcomed by one and all, as they usually had things to trade that we can't make on our own- so if there was any trouble all I had to do was inform them that he wasn't from the country.

"I'm going to give you the run-down on why this country is the way it is," I repeated to Lelouch. "_Capiche_?"

"Don't say '_capiche_.'"

"Fair enough. Anyway, this country was originally settled by German and Russian ex-patriots in the late nineteenth century," I explained. "They co-existed pretty well at first, I guess, but after a couple of generations, a few of them started fighting with each other. Each felt the other should leave, you see."

"Why?" Lelouch asked.

I shrugged. "No one knows. They may have left some diaries, but if so only the leaders of each faction have access to them, and they're not sharing the information." I paused a moment while I secured the last box of eggs. "In any case, the Germans no longer want the Russians to leave, and vice versa. After all, pretty much everyone in the country, including them, are of mixed heritage by now. Instead, the German faction thinks we should favor our German heritage- eat German food, go by German names, speak only German, et cetera- and the Russian faction thinks we should favor our Russian heritage."

"Is that why you have two names?" Lelouch asked, curious.

I nodded. "Yep. Which reminds me: Make sure you call me Dr. Petrov while we're in town today. It'll cause trouble if the wrong person hears you calling me Kantor."

"Okay."

"Good. Now, the two factions have been fighting each other for the past several decades. It's gotten to the point where one of them will take power, and then a week or so later the other one will wrest the power from them."

"So it's a stalemate."

"Pretty much."

"Why don't they just divide the country in half?" Lelouch asked. "The Germans on one side and the Russians on the other?"

"Two reasons," I said, holding up two fingers. "One: They're both too stubborn to compromise. They won't be satisfied until there's one clear winner, no matter how long it takes. And two: The people won't stand for it. The vast majority of us are neutral. The battles are fought in designated areas where the civilians are unlikely to get dragged in by accident, so other than a tendency to drag young men off the street and force them to serve, and a few trigger-happy soldiers-" another twinge of pain in my leg "-the people are mostly unbothered by the fighting. If the factions tried to divide us the way you suggested, there would be a revolt. That's pretty much the unspoken agreement between the factions and the people: They can play their little war games all they want, but if they try to drag in anyone who doesn't want any part of it, there will be hell to pay."

"But the factions are armed, aren't they?" Lelouch argued. "They could easily put down an armed revolt!"

"Probably, but it would be a simple matter for someone here to make it to a nearby country and alert the EU, then they could send in soldiers to put a stop to the fighting."

"What makes you think they'd bother?"

"Mostly the fact that they already send soldiers in every couple years or so to tell them to knock the hell off. And also because said representatives have straight up told us that if they start gunning down civilians in the street for taking up arms, they'll step in."

"Why don't they now?"

I thought it over for a minute. "Y'know, that's a good question. I have no idea. Maybe the current war with Britannia is higher up on their priorities list, and they don't want to spare soldiers to put down a tedious civil war in a backwoods country like this one?"

"Are you asking me, or telling me?"

"Asking you. I just said I have no idea. Do you think that sounds like a good enough reason?"

"I suppose."

"Then maybe that's the reason," I concluded, closing up the box of eggs. "All right, let's git. Do you have your toys?"

"Yeah, hold on a second," Lelouch said, trotting into the other room to find the bag. "Do you really think these are worth anything?" he asked studying a Transformer disbelievingly.

"Well, they're probably not worth food," I admitted. "But you might be able to get a nice souvenir for your sister and Miss Shinozaki with them."

Lelouch nodded and put the Transformer back in the little bag he'd brought to carry him. I handed him a small crate of eggs to carry, and we headed out the door.

* * *

We returned to the house some time later short several dozen eggs and a bagful of old toys, but newly in possession of a couple gallons of milk, a few fish, a set of straw dolls, and a woman's jacket. Lelouch was smiling at one of the dolls as we walked, no doubt picturing the look on his sister's face when he returned home to deliver them to her. I opened my mouth to tease him about it, but before I could say anything, Misha's head popped up over the fence and he called out to us in Russian. "Hey! Kolya! Great timing!"

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Some of the chickens got loose. We need a little help getting them back in the coop."

"All right," I said, then turned to Lelouch. "Go on and put this stuff in the ice box," I ordered, handing him the box containing the milk and cheese. "Then come and help us."

"Oh. Okay," Lelouch said, tucking the doll safely into his bag before taking the box from me with a grunt.

I watched him take it inside with a bit of concern, positive he'd drop the crate, but he managed to get it into the kitchen. I nodded, satisfied, and headed into the yard to help my brothers.

* * *

"Owwwww…" Lelouch moaned a couple of hours later. We'd managed to get the chickens in the coop, but Lelouch and ended up scratched and pecked in the process.

"I told you to be careful," I scolded, dabbing antiseptic on his wounds.

"Those birds are evil!" the boy complained. "I'm never gonna feel bad about eating another one of them for as long as I live!"

"Now, now. They only attacked you because they thought you were attacking them."

"Then how was I supposed to catch them so they _didn't_ think that?"

"You weren't. You were just supposed to be careful."

Lelouch sighed and hung his head. "You're impossible."

"So I've been told. You're all done, so help me get dinner served."

"Okay."

* * *

Misha and Vova had to go home after we wrangled up the chickens, so it was just Lelouch, Dad, and me for dinner. Lelouch and I carried the food over to Dad as carefully as we could, and sat down on either side of him to eat.

"What is this?" Lelouch asked, picking at the food on his plate.

"Fish and cabbage. It's all you're gettin', so eat it."

Lelouch frowned. "You say that like you expect me not to like it," he complained.

"Well, most of the kids I've served it to don't."

"How many kids have you served it to?"

"Just my son."

"One kid isn't exactly indicative of the entire generation."

"Stop using big words like 'indicative,'" I scold. "For one thing, it's creepy, and for another, I don't know what it means."

"It's the adjective form of 'indicate.'"

"There's an adjective form of 'indicate?'"

"Yes. It's 'indicative.'"

"Huh. Learn something new every day."

Lelouch rolled his eyes. "Don't you speak, like, a billion languages? How did you not know that?"

"I learn new languages by listening to native speakers, and I don't think most Britannians use words like 'indicative' on a day-to-day basis."

"Ah."

"There are a billion languages?" Dad asked.

"No even close," I said. "Lelouch is exaggerating. I only speak six languages."

"That's nowhere near a billion."

"No, it really isn't."

Lelouch counted on his fingers, mouthing words without speaking for a moment. "I know you speak Britannian, German, Russian, and your 'Language of the People,' but what other languages do you know?"

"French, Spanish, and Britannian Sign Language. It's kind of hard to wander around Western Europe for a few years and _not_ learn the first two, and I took the last one because I thought it would be fun."

"Oh."

"I can't read or write the two spoken ones, though," I admitted. "I should probably work on that."

"Probably, yeah." Lelouch paused for a moment. "Hey, wait, that's seven languages. You said you only spoke six."

"One does not _speak_ sign language. One signs it."

"That's just semantics."

"Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Eat your dinner."

"Yeah, yeah…"


End file.
